I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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