naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
