i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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