It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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