She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
