we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Boobs are out for the taking
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
