please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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