i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
