Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize