from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
