fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
