Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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