don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize