Your face is a jimmy john
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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