I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
