Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
