how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
