I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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