you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
