this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
