It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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