Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
