it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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