Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
