I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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