So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
