Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
