Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
