dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
