One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
