6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
