i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
