She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
