Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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