Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
