listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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