they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
