I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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