Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
