hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
