I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
