I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize