i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
