...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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