His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
