After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
