I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
