She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
