Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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