Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
