someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
