he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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