I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
