Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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