____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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