So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize