I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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