I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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