I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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