he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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