I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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